Space Cowgirl Cupcake!
by Sanvean17
Summary: Princess Cupcake isn't a lady. In fact, she's quite the trouble-maker. Tired of the kingdom's strange and annoying punishments, after one final - and explosive - stunt, Cupcake decides to do the right thing - she makes a run for it!
1. Chapter 1: SCHPAMBOOF!

The Adventures of SPACE COWGIRL CUPCAKE! 

_Eleven-year-old Cupcake Henrietta Douge, princess of De Brea, is quite the trouble maker. Gifted (as her mother prefers to put it) with fire-breath and a thing for butts (not to mention her notorious alcoholism) she is known throughout the island as an arsonist and a hussie. But for her father, King Jose Cuervo, enough is enough. So after one final (and explosive) stunt, Cupcake decides to do the right thing - and make a run for it! _

Written by Darlene R.

Chapter One: _SCHPAMBOOF!_

I woke up tangled in the gritty sheets of Adrian Trolla, glorious space-hunk extraordinaire.

I couldn t really remember what had happened the night before - all I could recall were - at least - six tequila fanny-bangers and an ongoing tape of Louie-Louie playing in the background. We danced the night away in the hot Venus heat, our heads spinning dizzy and my brain on fire. And the puckering sweetness of Adrian's kisses. He tasted like limes and aluminum foil.

"Mmmm..." I muttered, clutching my pillow. We were in orbit around the Earth now, winding back the time as he brought me home to De Brea before Papa realised I was gone.

As my sweet dreams continued, filling the blanks of the previous night, I reached out in my sleep to wrap my arms around my boyfriend. Well, one of them. Number five, to be specific.

"NOW ENTERING EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE!" barked the mega-whatever system. I jolted up in bed and saw Sparky, Adrian's robot dog, laying in his master's place beside me. "ADRIAN!" I hollered. Suddenly the ship activated its automatic restraints, buckling me down to the bed with an OOMF! and barely able to breathe.

My legs kicked as the ship sped up. Through the window beside the bed, I could see a firey glow.

"GAH!" I hollered. "WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

R24 - or Ray - the robot man guy hovered into the room, carrying a bulky stupid helmet. _"The master says you must be protected"_ said Ray, plunking it on my head.

I felt my throat grow hot. I could imagine myself with the damned thing on. I must'a looked pretty stupid.

"ADRIAN!" I screamed again. "GET YOUR HUNKY BUTT OVER HERE NOOOW!"

_SLAM! SHHHHHLLLAAAAAACCK! BOOOOOMMF!_

Smoke filled the room. I couldn't tell if was the rocket ship or my bad mood. All I knew is that it was pre-tty smokey.

"ACK!" I gagged, slamming my head back against bed. (Maybe the helmet wasn t such a bad idea...)

That is, until Adrian entered the bedroom. Last night's vomit had been combed out of his hair and he was dressed in his sexy blue jumpsuit, flashing me that sinful grin. _Yowza._  
That's when I realised how I looked. There I was, hanging off the ground on the wall (oh yeah, that's how space-beds are) in nothing but bloomers and my cowboy boots, curls sticking out from underneath the dorky helmet that stupid robot made me wear.

"Um, Cupcake?" he said nervously.

Ah, so that WASN T a smile. I now saw his teeth were clenched! Ha..! Uh-oh.  
"Adrian?" I asked in my sweet little voice. "GET ME DOWN!"  
He looked off to side and twiddled his fingers. "Actually, I probably shouldn t do that..."  
My throat burned angrily. _Whoah, boy!_ "WHY NOT?"  
" We've... We ve had a minor accident." His eyes darted at me, then away again. And for a playboy like himself to be that jumpy, it had to be pretty bad.  
My eyes widened. "What? What happened?"  
"It seems we've crashed." He paused. "Methinks the coordinates I typed into the computer were a wee bit off..."  
I groaned. Still dangling from the wall, mind you.  
"Great. Now what am I going to tell my folks when I get home? That I was sleep walking? Or doing something innocent, like setting squirrels on fire?" I folded my arms. I m sure my eyes were glowing red by now. "Noooo! The town's going t' put another leash law on me because Princess Cupcake is a big hussie!"  
I started to cry. "And an arsonist! WAH!"  
"Uh, Cuppy..?"  
"I can see it now - the Banana Times right at the gate as they catch me sneaking back into the palace!"  
"Cupcake!" Adrian had me by the shoulders - a pretty brave thing to do for a guy that knew I breathed fire!  
I looked him in his dazzling eyes. _"Mmmm... sexy."_  
"You need to help me move the ship, and quickly!" he said. "We re closer to home than you may realise!"

He stepped back to draw back the space-curtain from the window... And I just about DIED.

"Oh goodie" I muttered. "We're home."

Chapter Two: _Grand Theft Space... Thingy_

Adrian slammed the RELEASE button next to the bed and I dropped down to the floor. "BAH!" I said, taking off my helmet as I kneeled on sore knees. "You IDIOT! You crashed into the CASTLE!"

Adrian's _Space RV_ had smashed through the wall of Papa's private study, home to all his maps, books, and literary work. And now, thanks to my stupid BOYFRIEND, it had all gone kablooie.

He stepped back from me. "Now... Now calm down, Cupcake... I told you, it was a simple mistake!" Adrian backed into the wall. "C mon, now! I was exhausted when I set the machines." He gave a wink. "You know why."

I rolled my eyes - his _Illusionus Romantus_ genetics weren't going to save him now! I stood up, hands on my hips, trying to look as ferocious as I could whilst standing around in my underwear.  
"No! You are not gonna trick me this time, luvah-boy!" I stepped forward, now face to face. "And I am not standing around waiting for my ma to strangle to me again, either!" That's when I reached into his pocket and grabbed the keys.

"I don t know about you, but I m outta here!"

BLUDDY HELL! came a shout from outside. General Baxter had apparently summoned the army. There were several more heavy footsteps a-comin' too. And then I heard it.

"GOOD GOD!" came that oh-so familiar voice, one that had scolded me plenty of times before, and that would certainly blab my ear off the moment he yanked me out of that spaceship. Adrian and I looked at each other. Dad would surely have his head for this! And I don t just mean the driving-a-spaceship-through-the-wall part. There s also the what-have-you-done-to-my-eleven-year-old-daughter part too!

(Yeah... I'm, uh, only eleven. But it's not as bad as it sounds. There's the whole mutant-thing that makes me grow really fast... I look about eighteen-ish or something, though mom says I have the brain of turnip. I guess that means my noggin's behind the rest o' me. But anyhoo...)

Yep. That's my dad, the great King Jose Cuervo. Although I guess he really isn't so great , being notorious for his lady s swoon...

"Sire!" cried Baxter. "Catch him! He's going down!"  
_THUD._  
"Er... Nevermind."  
"Aw, _great._"

I could just picture it now, my mom standing over my unconscious father, a bottle of tequila in one hand and baby Velveeta in the other. "If you all will excuse me, I'm goin' to the royal bar" she slurred. "Yer majesty needs a drink..."

I turned back to Adrain. "Okay, he's out" I whispered, "that buys me time." And that s when I grabbed him by the shoulders and planted one on him!

"Toodles, hunkaroo!"

I grabbed my hat and ran for it, back to the cargo bay where he kept the booze and some other junk. I think that's when Adrian realised that I still had his keys, because it took him a moment to start after me.

_"Cupcake!"_ he hissed. _"What in Zoblar's name are you doing?"_

As I burst through the doors, I spied myself a space-scooter. Which was pretty much a flying armchair. I looked over my shoulder as the man-babe caught up with me.  
"Shit!" I fumbled though the keys, pressing all the electro-whatever buttons in hope that one would start up the _SpaceyBoy_.

_FVRROOOOM!_

"BINGO!" I hollered, throwing my hands into the air. The glass dome roof to the thingy opened and I hopped inside. With one hand on my hat, just like my mama taught me!

The dome shut over me and Adrian mushed his face against the glass.  
"No! No, no, no!" he growled frantically as I looked at all the buttons. "Cupcake, get out of there RIGHT NOW! You have no idea what you re doing!"  
I ignored his blubbering. There was row one of buttons that were especially neat-o. Neon orange, pink, and green... Oh, which to press first!  
"Cupcake, this vehicle runs on _uranium_."  
"Can't talk..." I muttered "...busy."  
"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT RADIATION IS?"  
"Uh... pink!" I said, pressing my dainty finger down on the, well, pink button.

"OPENING HATCHWAY" said the _RV_. Adrian practically ripped the hair out of his head. I felt my _SpaceyBoy'_s engine start up as an eerie green glow came over said space-scooter.  
"What about your daughter!" my boyfriend continued. "Who'll take care of Honeybun?"  
I gave a shrug. "Odin, I guess. Or maybe Bananas..."  
"A MONKEY?" Then he shook his head. "WHAT ABOUT _ME?_ YOU RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE TO BE THROWN IN JAIL BY YOUR FATHER?"

Speak of the devil: "CUPCAKE!"

... Which would be my cue to exit! I saluted Adrian as the wheels began to roll.  
_"SIANARA, SUCKAS!"_

And thus began my adventure, my grand escape from being grounded!


	2. Chapter 3: Cupcake's Odyssey

The Adventures of SPACE COWGIRL CUPCAKE! 

_Note: The end of Chapter Three is a reference to Cupcake's original story, _Carrot Cake.  
Carrot Cake _is a still running series about pirates, co-written by a friend of mine. This project, which I am doing solo, is the spin-off of said series. _

Written by Darlene R.

Chapter Three: _Cupcake's Odyssey_

Once I had made it through the Earth's atmosphere - and word for the wise, _never_ barf in your space suit - I put the _SpaceyBoy_ into auto-orbit around the moon, giving me some time to read the instructions. I tipped my cowboygirl hat as I read, feet up on the dashboard, with the radio playing some song about the end of the world (as we know it.) But then I decided to crunch it up into a ball and just go with my gut instead. And right now my gut wanted a burrito. And that's when I thought... _damn._

I had forgot to bring a snack.

But never the mind - I was an outlaw now! Or in the very least, a runaway.  
I sighed as I stared out at the stars, daydreaming about Christian Slater and cheesecake. And then, of course, my family and friends. Y 'know. Those jerks.  
I wasn t planning on being gone _forever_ - just until things simmered down at home.

That is, if I could figure out how the dumb rocket-thing worked.

I knew Adrian could travel both space and time... And from my dumb luck, I guess, I had figured out the button for SPACE. The pink one. So that mush mean the green one is for... But wait, what about the the orange?

"Aw, fuck it!" I said "I ll press them bo-"

_SSSWWWWEEEEEEEUUUUUUPPPP!_

_"This-ain't-the-planet-sound-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA!"_ said the radio as my own ship sped up. I gripped the steering wheel for DEAR LIFE as the _SpaceyBoy_ went out-of-FUCKING-con-trol (and yes, that is a word.) The goddamn thing was spiralling around in circles, making me majorly nauseous and yelling a lot. Like this:

"YYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

I was seein' stars (and not just the gassy ones around me) when all of a sudden my ship went BLAM!

_BLAM! DOOF!_  
_PSSSSHT!_

...And so on. In other words, I had landed.

And I tell yah, my friend, I wasn t in Carrot Cake anymore...

Chapter Four: _Wild, Wild Life _

_"PLLLLLLBBBBTTTT!" _

As I opened the top of the dome, red sand sprayed EVERYWHERE - including my mouth. I brushed off my bloomers (forgot I was still in my underthings) and after shaking the dust from my curly hair, rose up and out of _SpaceyBoy_, now lodged into the Earth, may he rest in peace...

I scratched behind my ear as I stood there in my boots, taking in my new surroundings. Les'see...

"Sand. Sand... Cactus."

And that's when I had an ah-ha moment!  
"Ah-ha!" I said, sticking my finger into the air. "I must be in INDIA!"

I turned to my comrades, which would be none. "ONWARD!"

I marched across the Asian sand, looking up as a buzzard flew overhead. The sun was hot. There wasn't a drop of water in sight (until then, I'd just pool my saliva.) But to keep things cheerful as I made my way India City - the capitol, of course - I decided to sing my FAVORITE song. Wanna hear?

"WE BUILT THIS CITY!" I screeched "THIS KICK-ASS CITY! WE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK-AND-ROOOLLL!"

As I continued to sing, more buzzards flew around me. I think they liked my voice.  
But no matter how much I sung, I couldn't forget how hot it was. Or how thirsty I was. Or how long it had been since I'd smooched somebody (a good six hours or so.) And that's when I realised - I didn't know where I was going.

I paused, putting my hands on my hips. Which meant that I meant business.

"Ahhlright, Cuppy!" I said to myself. "Where are we going?"

I decided that I must be in future, because that would be really bad otherwise if nobody could help me fix my spaceship. And I was going towards India City, which was that'a way... Whatever way that'a way was. Just to be sure, I did what I learned in Monkey Scouts.

_Never_  
_Eat_  
_Soggy_  
_Wheat_

Just then, I heard the neigh of a horse... Wait, a horse!

FOOD!

But when I turned around, it was better than just horse meat. There, on top of a beautiful brown horse, was a beautiful hunky man. Dressed in a long black trenchcoat, steel-toed boots, and a black cowboy hat.

"Sweet" I said, grinning up at him. "I'm in the Middle Ages."


	3. Chapter 5: It's Out There, Alright

The Adventures of SPACE COWGIRL CUPCAKE!

_After crashing the SpaceyBoy into the sands of some unknown desert, a handsome stranger so fortunately comes to Cupcake's rescue. And to all the irritated sci-fi fans reading this, to be fair, this handsome stranger has appeared in other _Carrot Cake _tales. He is an ex-boyfriend of Cupcake's mother... maybe... from the future! _

Written by Darlene R.

Chapter Five: _It's Out There, Alright  
_  
I practically jumped for joy... Actually, I did.

I was saved!

"FOXY!" I hollered, wrapping my arms around his horse's throat. I think I heard it gag.

Foxy tipped his hat, then a look of concern came over his face. That's when he realised it was me.  
"Cupcake? Cupcake Douge?" he asked. I nodded my head furiously in response.

"Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh!"

Foxy put his hand to his forehead and sighed. Then he looked back at me with wide eyes. "How on earth did you come to Ameri..."  
"India!" I corrected.  
"...America" he muttered. "Or even this era? And please" - his eyes squinted - "call me Mulder."

He asked me how I go there, so whilst leaning up against a cactus (bad idea) I told him:

"Well, yah see, I was rollin' a keg down the street on the way home from the local pub... Annnnd... Hunky-boyfriend-numbero-five, being a gentleman, offered to give me a hand and..." That's when I started to giggle. Because that's when the story started to get _good_.

I began to tell Mulder of my epic journey, starting with gettin' it on with Adrian and drinking a jug o' motor oil...  
"Cupcake he said, raising his hand. "This isn't an interrogation. I just want to know how you came to the future."  
The desert was really starting to get hot, too. A bead of sweat rolled down Mulder's forehead.

_"Mmmm... sexy." _

Mulder rolled his eyes and got off his horse-guy. Then he offered out his hand to me.

"It's too hot to discuss this here much longer. Once we get into town, I'm going to further examine this situation. The sooner you get home, the better."  
My eyes widened. That reminded me of the mess back at the palace! I pulled my hand away, hiding it behind my back. "Yeah, about that..."

Then I started to wobble. The sun was really beating down just about now. I figured on the ride back to wherever he was taking me, I'd figure out a better excuse as to my time-traveling. So I held out my hand to Mulder, letting him help me up onto the saddle.

Mulder was really starting to huff now. I was almost afraid he would pass out like Dad.

But he did just fine, hopping up onto the horse and with a YAH! riding out into the desert... The direction other than which I'd been going. "Hold on tight, Cupcake" he said under the stomping of horse's hooves.

I wrapped my arms tightly around Foxy, glad not to be frying in the middle of the Austrian desert.

_Thank you, Fox Mulder_ I whispered as the town came into view. _I am truly blessed. May the truth be out there. Amen._

_Chapter Six: __Welcome to Beaver Belly_

"GAH!"

"!"

"JESUS CHRIST!"

On the way to the inn, Foxy explained to me that I was not in India, but rather a place called Beaver Belly in the land of Texas. He also explained to me, after many a butt bump on the saddle, that he had never been too confident whilst riding a horse. And I kind of already noticed.

We were practically thrown into the front of the inn - Mulder's horse included.

"Remember" said Mulder "_Beaver Belly Inn_. I'm sure the time police know you're here, and when they come to rescue me they'll be here for you too." Meanwhile, I was fumbling through the dresser drawers, hoping he had brought the booze. Foxy put his hands on my shoulders and spun me around.  
"You are not to wander far from the inn. If it were up to me, I'd keep you by my side. But have an X-File to investigate."

I scratched my head. "A wha?"  
He rolled his eyes. "Don't you remember? I'm an agent? _And an abductee?_"  
I shook my head. Nope.  
He slapped his hand to his face. "I'm spotting the area for any sign of UFO activity."  
"Sorry, Foxy. You've lost me."  
"They transported me here! Every time now, I've been skipping through..." He took a breath. "When I get back here tonight, you'd better be here, Cupcake."

I peered into the nightstand drawer. Rats.  
Just a Bible.

_"Cupcake."_

"Yeah, sure. Don't snort dandelions."

"No saloons."  
I turned around, eyes fierce and red. Smoke blew out of my nostrils.  
Mulder held his ground. "I've seen you wasted before, Cupcake. I'm not going to let you alter history if you go on a drunken rampage, setting villages on fire." He then cupped my head in his hand.

I practically melted.

"I understand your gift, Cupcake. But you must learn to control it."

And with the swoop of his trench-coat, he left.

I waited a moment after the door closed for his footsteps to disappear. "Heh-heh!" I snickered, reaching into my bra.

That's right... I still had my emergency flask!

Chapter Seven: _Like Urkle! _

I walked around Beaver Belly. Or stumbled, to be more accurate. Without Foxy there to spoil my fun, I figured I'd go check out the local wildlife. And by wildlife, I mean man-babes.

My eyes widened at the piece of tush steppin' outta the general store.

_"Hel-lo!" _

My personal favorite: Hot, blonde, and... Well, I liked his hat.

I strutted on over to him. And shook his hand.  
Which means I grabbed his butt.

Blondie gave a YELP! and stared at me furiously, slapping my hand away. "Hey! Watch it there, girly!"

"H-Hey" I slurred. "YOu... You be... nice."


	4. Chapter 8: Rescued Again

The Adventures of Space Cowgirl Cupcake!

_With trouble running through her veins (and perhaps a little alcohol) Cupcake finds herself in jail. Mulder comes to bail her out, but demands she improve her behavior for the rest of their stay in the 1800's. But of course, Cupcake has other plans... to PAR-TAY! _

Written by Darlene R.

Chapter Eight: _Rescued... Again_

I sat on the stanky floor watching the fatso behind the desk.

Oh, perhaps I forgot to mention - I got thrown in jail. The sheriff sat at his desk, sitting on his comfy chair and drinking whiskey, while I sat with a hungry belly, singing about cowboys and banana bread.

"Shaddup!" he spat. I sulked, but he wasn't looking, stuck my tongue out at him from behind my bars. God - I didn't even do anything THAT bad.

Just then, Mulder came through the door with a paper in his hand. And BOY did he look pissed.  
"I told you, no saloons!" He walked over to the desk and apologized to sheriff bozo. The sheriff looked at Mulder, then at me.  
"I assume tha _that _belongs to you?"  
I got up and scratched my bottom. "  
Hey, Muldy, whas that?" I pointed to the paper in his hand.  
He unrolled it like a scroll and pressed it up against my bars.

I looked back down again. "Ah. I see."

In a matter of hours, I already had a WANTED poster.  
Mom would be proud!

"I'll take that as uh yes" said the sheriff, unlocking my cell. Foxy dragged me out, yanking me by the arm. My heels dragged into the dusty road. "Hey! Watch it!" I growled, pulling my arm away.  
Mulder glared at me furiously and shoved the wanted poster back in my face.  
"Seven reports of molestation! One account of attempted robbery!"  
"ATTEMPTED!" I interjected in self defense.  
"Grand theft mule!" He crumpled the paper into a ball and shoved it into his pocket. "Cupcake, you are not to leave the inn unattended. That is final."

I shoved him away. "Final? You have no power over me! I came here myself!"  
"You violated the laws of time and space!" he argued. "I came here involuntarily! I was stranded here by _extraterrestrials_. You, on the other hand, hijacked a spaceship!"

He continued walking up the road, towards the inn. The space police should be here in a mere matter of days. I m not going to allow you to further violate history while I m still around. Any grand errors that you make, I could be charged with too.

He looked back at me. "Now please, behave."

I groaned. "Alright, alright" I muttered as we made it towards the inn.

Chapter Nine: _Sunflower Seeds & The Birds & The..._

I sat on the bed. My face was rested on my fist. Foxy had run out to grab some grub from the general store. Until then, he had me handcuffed to the headboard.

And, no, not in a good way.

He came back with a few glass bottles and a big brown sack. My eyes perked up - maybe things _wouldn't_ be so bad. He set the bag down by the dresser and released me from my restraints.

_"At least she didn't try to bite me this time..."_ he mumbled.

I wiggled my wrist and then looked over at the goods. "So, whad'ya get?" I asked. He handed me one of the bottles. I had a happy grin. "Ooh! Is that rum?"

Mulder smiled and shook his head. "Nope. Sarsaparilla." He clinked bottles with mine. I frowned and took a sip. "Bleh. No buzz." My belly growled again. "Hey, Foxy, what s for dinner?"

He grabbed something from the bag and sat down beside me, and into my palm gave me some...

"Sunflower seeds. Thanks." I started chewing on them. I never bothered to spit out the shells. He rose from the bed, leaving his sarsaparilla by my feet. "But wait!" he hollered humorously. "There's more!"

As he crouched down, reaching into the bag, fumbling around for whatever crud he bought, I got a wicked idea. I reached into my pocket and found... "Bingo."  
"Hmm?" asked Mulder, still searching. My heart skipped a beat. "Nothing!"

There was no way I d let him know I was carrying some of Auntie Debbie's sleeping pills, those... whadda-yah-call-um... roofies?

Or, in other words... FREEDOM! Of course, it was hard to tell which pills were which, so just before he turned around, I put them all into his bottle...

"And the main course" said Mulder, sitting back down. "Beef jerky." I smiled and took a bite. And giggled to myself. "Kinda salty, huh?" He chewed off a bite. "I suppose your right. Can you hand me my drink?"

"GLADLY!"

Mulder looked at me strangely. Perhaps I had said that a _bit_ too eagerly. He took the bottle from my hand and, to my delight, took a good long gulp.  
"Tastes a lil..."

_DOOF!_

He was out like a light! I snickered and did a victory dance around Mulder, unconscious, on the bed. Reaching into the pocket of his trench coat, I grabbed the rest of his cash.

"Time to hit the saloon!" I hollered. "Sarsaparilla, my ass!"

So I marched outta the room, out looking for excitement! Adventure! And, of course, a little cowboy boo-tay!


End file.
